Had to get rid of it.... just rambling :) but maybe you wanna read it? ;)

                                        ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION!!!!!!!!
                                                       HOOOOOOOONEYS 

In English: Sometimes the only thing which keeps you away from reaching your
goals in your head!!!!!!!

Something was just bumping and hitting my mind today, which is so important i think :S especially for myself!!!!

An eating disorder is full of lies, as many of you maybe will know.... and this is such a bad thing, because you have to find the exact contrary to this: TRUST

So there are two pages of trust ;) In recovery you have to learn to trust 2 kinds of people: Family/friends that wanna help you out, but also and this probably is the most important, but also most difficult thing to do: trust in yourself!!!!

Starting to write this post, i really have to admit to you: I was angry on my mum, because she lied at me according to making food for me :S So i honestly felt betrayed and lied to.... And then the second minute after our argument, I realized how stupid i behaved, because she actually just wanted to help me on my intention on gaining..... so here i am back at the point of how i wanna learn to trust myself, that i am doing the right thing and not cheating and lying anymore to myself or the people I love...... I want to be happy and healthy looking and not like a skeleton....... So i think i am back at the point of saying i need to trust in other people who know more clearly what maybe i need for this step again for gaining more weight :S because in theory i know as well what is needed, but the practical implementation is another big chapter......

SO I need now to learn to trust my body, that in my head knows what he needs, and if i am doing hard at this, I need to rely on my family who only wants my best ;) I need to give up some more control to them to fully become my self again.... 
Puh such a cuddle muddle and i also think many maybe didn't even understand now what i wanna say with this post, but i wrote this just out of my thoughts, as fast as my fingers could hit the keyboard ;) 
Just want to tell you this okay? =) trust is so much needed and one day I hope that i fully will be able again to trust in my thoughts and my mind about all of this chapter ;) 
I wish you now all a gooood good evening and a wonderful night now ;) 
Hahaa mine is already ending at 5.30 in the morning, because i have to go to school tomorrow :S so it wont be too long now ;) sending you all my LOVE ;) xxxxxx

Never look back...

Oooooooooooooooonly to see how much you already reached !!!!!!!!!!

Yeeeees heeelloooo again my Sweeties :) 
I am so sorry for my longer absence now, but I absolutely didn´t really know what to blog about without boring you :S And I also experience so many many new things in life at the moment now, as my apprenticeship now fully started :) 
So many things are new for me again, like on thursday I had my first day at school again (I have to go there on this and on friday each week =)) and met many foreign people and it was so exciting, but all in all positive for me ;) I am really looking forward to how it will be in the next lessons :) Hahaaa no i will not be a swot!!!!!! Surely not, I swear :) :D 
Also I really can say: I like my job and my working place a lot ;) All the co-worker are so nice and ready to help :) 
Buuuuut what I notice a lot at this time now: The weather influences my mood so much and changes my attitude as well :S this is so confusing for me ;) SO now the last few weeks/even months, the weather here in Germany was so warm, sometimes sunny and nice as well, and now this is changing, especially now it gets colder, darker, rainy, foggy and misty so many days.... I absolutely don´t like it! :S buuuut of course I can´t change anything about it (maybe emigrating to a southern country would be an option? Haha :D) 
DO you know what I mean? ;) Maybe some of you also have this problem and can help me by dealing with it? I would love so much to hear some coping strategies with this :) 
I also did some considerations and asked some friends and family ;) Like for example if the weather outside is so bad (just as today here: Rain, rain, rain...)

you should do something which distracts you from negative thoughts, like watching a movie, read a book, take a nap, have a chat, coffee date with friends, LAUGH and go on ;) For sure, those are some great strategies which maybe sometimes will help you pass this episode, but for gaining more positivity in life, always have a look back to your worst time, and how you never wanna have it again ;) For me looking back is so important : Not to see how bad I really behaved, felt and was lonely, NO for seeing how much I reached since this point and how it developed into the positive direction ;) and seeing this, most of the time always gives me hope and power to continue on and gain happiness back ;) 

Maybe you can also be creative according to this topic ;) this is a poster i made in the clinic
for distracting myself and helping me cope with everything ;) 

So just have a look at your lowest point to see where you started and why you started and how much is possible to still reached ;) because being down at the point when I decided to go to the clinic I would never have thought that someday I will be able again to start a real job and build up a "normal all-day" life again :) 
So never loose hope my dears, I absolutely know so well how it feels to just wanna give up, but please no ;) and if you are down, it may also helps you (just like me) to write down your thoughts, because this sometimes frees your mind and makes you feel good and calmed as well ;) 
Sending you all my love my cuuuties :) xxxxxxxxx *_* 

Saying NO in life :)

Gooood good morning my honeeeeys ;)

Now it is official: I am an apprentice!!!!! Oh yes! My apprenticeship started on Thursday ;) Haha actually not sooo much was new for me, because I already worked there half day, as I mentioned before, I think? =) So now I am an Azubi as an assistant tax consultant :D (I looked up the job description on the translator :D) 

But again enough about me ;) I feel like my blog sometimes gets too much about my personal self :) so I thought about writing about an important topic, which I myself still often struggle a lot with : SAYING NO 
Of course this doesn´t mean saying no in every life sector, because saying no to my meal plan or to new exciting capitals of my life would be stupid and inexcusable :S but the topic I truly mean is saying no to things which tie you down, make you sad or force you to things you do not even wanna do or which stress you!!!! One of the main goals in life should be being happy and in peace with yourself and this sometimes/often also includes saying no to negatives!!!! 

Never try to be a person, who you really are not, just because someone wants you to be this way or to function like they want it ;) If it gets too much for you, tell them, and don´t worry if they truly are friends, they will understand it! And if they are not, I also made this experience through my illness, it absolutely is the better to not having them into your life! For me in some cases it after some time really felt relieving and liberating :)
And also it is in recovery from an illness or an addiction: You have to do it for yourself!!! All by yourself and all for the person you wanna be ;) so saying no to things which keep you away from becoming this one, is essential!!!!!!! 

Another point which you also have to learn to is: Saying no to bad habits and negative attached habits :) like those you may follow because of your addiction :) For me I also precisely know them, and each day is a fight against giving in to those!! Because for getting rid of them, there is no magic healing, it all is lying in your own hands and behaviors! By time, I learned, that the best way coping with those is replacing them by rather positive habits, which I probably liked or enjoyed in earlier days, like childhood maybe ;) especially the exchange of your own thoughts is so important at this topic ;) 

Puuuuuuh now I babbled so much again, but this all was in my mind now, and I hope this does nnot bore you okay? :) 
Sending you a many kisses and for now, I am going to the Plärrer with some very good friends ;) (not sure if i once explained it, but the Plärrer is the German Oktoberfest in a smaller version here in Augsburg =)) 
xxxxxxxxxx <3