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Friday, June 26, 2015

Being poetic :D

Hey Cuuuuties ;)
This evening I thought of sharing something with you, what I have written over the past few days or weeks (always adding one little more piece and line over line;)) as a way of distracting myself from negative thoughts and bad feelings :) 
And my huuuunnies <3 believe me, this is such a good and amazingly positive thing to do for your soul and mind :) 
So always if you are feeling the urge to restrict or get anorexia related emotions, think about what you can do and this is what came to my mind when I was down:



A sparkle of hope in the ocean of darkness

Imagine you could have everything? Or maybe it seems you would be able to have the whole world and sail it on a magnificent boat....
Then something shady and gloomy steps in your life and wants to bring the beautiful ship with the colourful bright shining sails down to the dark and endless grounds of the sea..
Imagine it tries to tear your anchor down and keeps you away from seeing all the other beautiful things the planet still offers you....
Which country you actually planned to see next? Was it this big tempting, fascination one or a smaller well known one?
You try to reach out for it, but the unknown ties you down...
No chance to stay at the surface or to sail along, drowning is the only direction the thing performs...
Paddling, coughing, gasping, but even by trying your best, you are caught in the claws and the trap of this devilish thing...
No one there to help you? No one offering his or her hand? Are you sure? Or are you just too scared to open your eyes and have a proper look around?
Don´t be anxious my dear, you know there always is a small sparkle of hope, if you at least only give it a try...
I mean, what can happen, come on.....
Come on, open your eyes and you will clearly see all those hands reaching out for you, you only have to grab them...
They all reach out just for you!
They don´t want to see you drowning in this big cold ocean, pulled down by a devilish thing in your mind....
Remember and see clearly who you are and who you wanna be...
All the places you wanted to travel in your little boat...
See all the different people you met on your way and still looking forward to meet..
Look at all those helping hands, which want to pull you out of clings of this devil...
Come on, catch them...
Like a life saving rope or anchor....
Which one do you choose and why are you still letting you pull down instead of grabbing them?
Is it that hard? Imagine real LIFE after it....
You can sail along, find new paths, visit new places, discover unknown places and meet strangers who maybe become some of the most important people in your life...
So what are you waiting for?
Grab it and go...
A new life will wait for you.... I promise........
Just make it happen....


And then she reached out....
Sunday, June 21, 2015

MY STORY GOES ON.... :D

Haaaaai my honeybees :) 
I wanna go on with my story a little bit, if you are interested :) 
I think I stopped at the point in February 2013 when I and my family decided to start this diet called Metabolic Balance. (At first I intended to describe how it works, so that you can imagine what I actually changed in my eating and lifestyle, but then I decided not to do this, because I don't want to promote any form of a diet and explain how to do it :( 
So I decided to change this post again: 
The only thing you need to understand is, that keeping to a certain meal plan is not good, and radicalizing it, just as I did it, isn´t neither...... it is killing......
Soooo as a result of this in the ongoing year, I wanted to follow the intention of finally loosing some weight....and it really worked... :( UNFORTUNATELY 

I can tell you at first it felt so weird eating according to a given meal plan, which this stupid diet suggested:( I felt so trapped and it was strange, but time by time it went normal and I felt such a huge excitement and interest in preparing food and experiencing new combinations and food:) You can nearly call it an obsession :) but in general, weight loss went steadily and smoothly, so not too fast :) 
I got so many compliments at first and I really enjoyed living such a "healthy lifestyle" and have everyday the decision of what I want to eat and not only getting it served ;) Haha here you again can see it: I needed to take control :( 
I enjoyed so many things at that time, it was the year of my life :(

Just in case you wonder what this is: This is me(on the right) and
my ex-BF fooling around and just having fun
enjoying our free time after our Abi :D

2013:
I went 18 and had a great party, I did my abi (graduation), I went with some of my girls to Ibiza, I did THE America/USA west coast tour with my family, I received the commitment, that I can study the subject I wanted to at the uni I wanted to, I went to Ireland, I started university and had such a typical student life, celebrated many festivities and had an amazing year,..........



But something inside was absolutely going in the wrong direction, without me even noticing and realizing it.....
Some people already told me things like, oh come on, eat that cake or try this piece of food, but I always became more radical in cutting off sweets, pleasures and cheats out of my eating. I mean, they didn´t appear on my meal plan and so why allowing them to myself? I became so much focused on the scale and the wish always eating less than everybody else, that I totally forgot about what would have been normal or healthy at all....
I restricted and refused more and more and unfortunately I started cheating....
Cheating, cheating and cheating, all of the time....
I always wanted less........ 
No matter what I had to do for this, I needed to loose more and more weight and not letting anyone tell me I was wrong... 
Hurt so many many people and behaved as a stranger and crazily addicted person...
THE BEGINNING OF A VICIOUS CIRCLE.....
Which endured and became more worse in 2014


More I will write in my next post, but I don´t want to bore you with too much text here :D 
I hope now you don´t think bad about me in any form for my behaviors, but I never wanted this, I promise, it felt like it just slipped all out of my hands :(
Wish you a lovely lovely afternoon now my Sweeties, I love u 
xxx

Sunday, June 14, 2015

What about being a child again? =)

Hiiiiii there my Daaaaarlings *_*
I wish you all a wonder wonder wonderful evening, I hope you haaaad a nice relaxed Sunday!!! ;) xxx

Today I really did lots of work for finishing and revising my internship/stage in primary school, which I did in March, you remember? ;) Oh and by doing this and thinking back about it, I imagined myself as a child... How much uncomplicated and simple life seemed at this age and this time :) 
Nothing seemed to worry and bring you down :) (except some anger or disputation with your sister maybe ;) haha :D ) But remember, you didn't think the whole day about food or how to avoid eating or how to hide it or to loose some more weight :( How much carefree life seems taking such a throwback :) Of course at this time I had different problems as well, such as how to make friends in your school class or what to play in the afternoon or what to do in your free time... =) But today I got really sentimental about it... As I always have been this type of person who would love to relive some greeeeat times in her life, I really wished to get some more of this little gaaaaal I used to be ;) 
But not to make you think I want to be this old "me" again... NO, for sure not!!! I don´t want to go back to this "old Ange", but I want to create a "new Ange" who does not care about the scale or food as an enemy... I want to be the "Ange" without Miss Mager, who more often pulls out her jauntiness and is more spontaneous and carefree again ;) 

This is what I actually wanted to say in this post I think ;) Seeing the old as not a bad thing, but decide to go for the new. Create something my lovelies ;) Don´t live in the past, but either don´t forget where you are coming from ;) 
Wish you a nice and enjoyable evening now my dears ;) 
xxxx
Thursday, June 11, 2015

Your yuuummyyummyest food? ;)

Huhuuuuu my Sweetcorns :) hahaa

I wish you all a delightful evening or which time a day it may be where you liiive :) here it is about 10 o´clock and after a day at uni, I am simply enjoying lying down on the sofa and watching a little bit of TV and of coooourse blogging *_*

Sooooo I thought about asking yooou: WHAT IS YOUR YUMMYYUMMYEST FOOD EVER? Something you could eat the whole day and every time again and again without getting bored ;) It may also be a fear food of you, but you should loooove it ;) 
Hahaaaa for talking from my point of you I can definitively say NUTELLA is one of them ;) 
Or chocolate would alsooo be a thing ;) But another rather healthy thing would be tomatoes and cherry tomatoes :) hahaa you can ask anybody, I am such an addict to it :D 


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Suuuuuuuummer´s coming in *_*

Haaaappyhappyheeeey my Cuuuties :-*

Suuuummer finally is coming in here in Germany and with it all the nice and warm feeeeelings *_* with which ones I absolutely fall in looove ;)
The sun brings up such a good mood, or is it just me who enjoys lying in the sun, or driving in cabrio or with motorbike? ;) For sure noooooooooooot ;)
So as nice as all of this sounds, it now really is about a year that I was diagnosed with severe anorexia, and everything now comes up again and shows me and my family how hard it really is to beat such a harmful thing like Miss Mager really is. And that it isn´t only as simple as just eating and everything is okay again :(
Of course I have to look at all of the positive things that have changed since then, but nevertheless, every day I got hit and confronted with all the negative things she brought me and still harms.

Actually I wanted this to be a looking forward post ;) Hahaaa, but maybe I still can turn it into one :)
So as it now already is JUNE (Omg, I can´t always believe how fast time passes :O) I wanted to motivatee you all as well to keep your hard work up ;) it is so much worth it, as I recognize every day again and again :)
For sure not every day is the same and I as well struggle so much on a few ones, especially with cheating and so on, but every day is worth living and enjoying to its fullest and this is what life is about ;)  Sooooo today I tried (as it is very warm today ;)) my first ever Ben & Jerry´s in MY recovery ;) of cooooourse I chose my most liked ever flavor: Cookie Dough *_* OMG I was so proud afterwards :) sooooo sorry for babbling again, but now I will finish my day off with lots of positivity and a new bright future (AAAAAAAAND hahaaaa a typical German "Wurstsalat")
Wish you a lovely lovely day my huns :)
xxxx Keeep spreading Nutella
And now I will lay down in my cosy bed and watch a little bit TV;)