Soooooo I finally arrived in beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeautiful Lisbon today :) 
I can absolutely tell you: what an amazing city ;) really lovely *_*I had so much fun today and gained a lot of new impressions! 
We made a tour with an old sort of cable car through the historic city center and went shopping =) so I just bought a new winter jacket which I honestly looove :) 

Oh but today was one of the days I again had the feeling everyone was starring at me, because I still look so skinny (even though I already gained weight, I still seem to appear a little bit unused to a lot of people) :( I hate that feeling, when you know everyone glances at you, and I don´t know if you are used to that impression, but it absolutely isn´t a very nice feeling :(  Hopefully by gaining more weight this will get better as well :) 
But what I honestly want to add is, that today I feel so much different towards food, I mean, I have the feeling of in some strange way letting go of that voice in my head ... :) Feels someway unreal now to choose what I´d like to eat, instead of always thinking about what I am not allowed to give to myself ;)

I hope it will stay this way, maybe it is because of the beautiful warm weather here in the South or this relaxed lifestyle of these people here or my mum who actually (next to my dad) is the only one who always believed in me in my worst situations and still does :) 

Sooo I hope you are as well having a good time, and maybe (I would actually be so happy) you would like to share with me where you guys are all coming from:)
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT A LITTLE BIT MORE ;) because you know I am type of a curious girl all the time ;) So feel free to share your origins with meeeee ;) 
Sending greetings to you all over the world :)
xxx Ange

Enjoy the Little Things in Life

To all my lovely readers:-*

Just thought about writing a little bit about my daaaaaay;) Hope it doesn´t bore you ;)

Buuuuuuut yesterday arrived and I opened them today my yuuuummiyummiyummiiiiiiii Questbars, which I previously ordered at Amazon (because you can´t buy them here in Germany, no idea why..:$)

Omg I love these bars, nearly everyday I try a different one in the afternoon as a snack (I bought one mix package and one with my absolute favors: Cookies & Cream). Thanks again to Izzy who finally inspired me to try one of them ;) and I think they really all taste good in their own personal way and I´ve got such a big variety to choose ;) So everyone who isn´t sure of what he might crave for, this probably could be a great food to satisfy your needs ;)

Ohh and by the way, tomorrow I am opening up a new link at my top bar, where I am going to write a bit about my personal battle and all the lies I´ve told to some many beloved people, which I can´t take back so easily... :(

                       

Sooooo now I again wish you a wonderful night and never forget to keep your head up high, you are so worth to become fully recovered and live a beautiful life! Let us all go against this stupid scale, the lies, the voice in our heads and no longer let them in our life! Focus on the little things that make us happy!

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaanks :-*

Simply wanted to tell you thaaaaaank you so much for reading my blog, EVERYONE of you ;) it really is such an honor and a pleasure for me to see ;) 
Hope you are having a great time,
Love ya all ! Believe in yourself, because I do believe in you!!!!!!! xxx

Sleep well!!!!

and look forward to your upcoming Nutella toasts tomorrow morning... ;) 

I absolutely doooooo!

Don´t let HATE in and bring you down

Something I today was confronted with, is something I haven´t thought now for a while... 
In summer there was a time when it was one of the most present feelings I had, but in the last month or two, there hasn´t been a concrete occasion why I should think about it in detail:
HATE
Of course hate is a mood, that is not comfortable at all or anyway it can make you feel bad, but, and now you have to promise me, that you do NEVER let it rule your thoughts or control your actions!
It only makes yourself vulnerable, because if somebody reminds you of the reason of this feeling, it easily brings you in an uncomfortable situation in which you think about it again...and you should absolutely do everything to avoid this! 

So this happened to me today: I met the dad of my formerly best friend from school ;) we both started the same class at university, too, and when she noticed that I had an eating disorder she behaved in somewhat way strange and unfairly towards me. This means, at the beginning she tried to simply ask me what was wrong and also wanted to help me by making an appointment with an counseling center for ED... 
But then she became different... She tried to outplay me towards our common friends by telling them things like: "Oh Ange was slow again (at this time I only weighted 37 kg -> by the way, I am 1,71m (just thought you might be interested))and blablablaaa". I got really angry at her, but tried to keep our friendship alive, because she was my best friend for more than seven years now. 
But she kept more and more distance and told me I was bringing her down, so she only needs to concentrate on herself and her exams now. And that was the point I realized it was better for me too, to keep distance and forget about her the best I can. 
At first I was struggling with my feelings, but after a short while, I recognized I felt better, too. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that was the moment I realized HATE is not good, simply forget about it and move on!
You don´t have to hold on to the past, if it does not fit in your future or even pulls you down!
So be strong and move on! I am sure, all of you already felt like myself in some situation, where you think you hate this person, but be sure, you are stronger than they are, if you show them your back and forget about them! 
And most of all, NEVER hate yourself! So my advice for you is to always put up a smile and think about the good, not the bad times! Don´t let hate in, because you musn´t forget that only YOU are the designer of your thoughts!
Hope you all had a great day! 
And maybe if you have any more suggestions of how to cope with hate or get over these thoughts, I would be glad to get to know them!
xxx

Soooome morning motivation *_*

I wish all of you a woooooonderful sunny, good morning!!!

Just finished my delicious breakfast *_* (Hahaa, I am actually sure you all can probably guess what it has been... :)) 

Even though the weather outside is pretty cold, ( I loved it so much more when it was warm) I woke up and decided to go for a very short walk outside ;) And can´t really believe what I´ve seen there: 

An amaaaaaaazing rainbow ;) it seemed a little bit unreal :) but it looked so beautiful :)

So I HOPE this might be a good sign for my maths test today (I actually honestly hate maths....:()

What do you think? 

I am really nervous about it, so pleeeease wish me luck, that it will work out well =) 

Hope you all have a great day!!!!!!!

And don´t stop to keep your fight on! 

Every day at every time!

xxx

A short review of my last week ;)

As you might know, I myself as a student still have got holidays... (even though this week now I´ve got two tests :() Soooooooo what did I do last week? Of course most of the time I was chilling, relaxing and learning :)

Really normal things..:) 

Buuut I also gooot some helpful therapie and very very good news from my doctor ;) This means, I as an outpatient had to be weighted every week since May and in the first weeks my weight always continuously went down and didn´t stop dropping -> even though everyone tried to make me eat more :( So this doctor, as well as many other people, wanted to see me in hospital as an inpatient, but since the 19th of July my weight raised slowly steadily. So on Tuesday I finally reached the 44 kg (my lowest weight was 37kg)!!!! This in some strange way felt sooo good! I can´t really believe it... :) :)

And now I probably think he also got more trust in me, regarding to the fact, that he understood that I honestly want to become healthy again. So he now only wants me to be weighted/see me at his surgery every three or four weeks. Omg, this makes me absolutely happy!! :)

Aaaaaaand today I weighted myself at home in the morning and the scale showed 44,4 kg and I keep going higher! I actually know that weighting too often is not good and the scale is just a number, you in general shouldn´t even think about, but controlling that the weight doesn´t drop is also very important. So weighting once a week probably seems to be a good solution :)

Alsooooo because of this gain, my mum finally got the courage and the trust in me, that she spontaneously booked two flights for us to Lisbon in Portugal!!! Wow, this feels amazing and I am so much looking forward to it ;) The weather, the sea, the city,.... :)

I hope I can deal with the changes in everyday life, but I don´t actually think there will be problems with my ED, because Miss Mager should simply shut up and keep her thoughts for herself :D

Oh and I nearly forgot.... :)

On Thursday I finally once again managed to remove something from my fear food list! It seemed like ages since the last FF :( Now I have to cross it out from my blog fear food list, too: Mozzarella yeeeah ;) 

I don´t actually know why I´ve been so afraid of it, but I think this has something to do with the real beginning of taking down my weight last year..:(This in fact means, that I loved this cheese before I started dieting and then I found out how many calories it actually has and crossed it from my meal plans. But nooooow it is on it again ;) 

Omg, thank you Izzy so much for mentioning my blog on your page, it is  so amazing to see how many people feel related to oneself ;) Thank you all, who are on my paaage ;) it pushes me so much to know that someone reads my thoughts ;) You are all so lovely :)

And now don´t forget to eat your Nutella toast tomorrow.... or something you crave! xxx

Next to Nutella: What inspired me to start my recovery

So in the next few days I am planning to put up my whole story so far in my posts :) Because I really want youuuuu to get to know me, my background and the reasons why I chose recovery, better! I absolutely feel related to all of you and I want you to do this, too :)

So something that absolutely inspired me to start my recovery and write a blog for helping others in their specific situations is the blog of a Swedish girl, which I found by just surfing the internet. I mean I already read some books about what anorexia actually is, but NONE of these helped me so much, as Izzy did by daily writing her blog. So since then every day I was on her page and read what she posted. The special thing about it is, that you feel that she (after an nearly endless struggle over 5 years, she now is declared healthy) honestly writes from her heart. Not only facts about the illness, no, she puts up a brilliant mixture between her daily life and thoughts for recovery. She inspired me so much to start my own fight, that I nearly can´t believe it, because I don´t actually know her personally =) 

And that is one of the reasons why I as well as her want to help you! So all of you guys who need an extra push to get rid of your ED, read her blog, it is so much worth reading it:

http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com

So what did inspire you actually? Maybe some of you want to share their experiences, too :) I would be very interested to hear your stories :)

Hope you are all doing well and keep eating Nutella =) it is probably the best medicine for you and me :) xxx

Just (b)eat it ;)

Sometimes there is no next time, no second chance, no time out. 

Sometimes it is now or never.

Just a few thoughts for Tuesday :D

Aaaaaaaaa big helloooooooo to everybody! 
How are you guys feeling today? Are you having a good mood or are you down? Hopefully you´re all fine, because no idea why, but anyhow I am happy today :) Not even the bad weather could bring me down or the fact that the last days I cheated in some way and disappointed my mum with that.. Of course all that matters in my daily life, but don´t let yourself get down even if you do wrong in some way. I know in some episodes of the day eating can be so much hard and triggering but if you arrived at a certain point you will feel that it was worth eating it :) No more HATE after each meal, rather pleasure and satisfaction! For myself I personally have to say, that since I´ve tried some of my fear foods, eating in general got easier and I don´t think so much about what I actually eat :) 

Aaaaaand there are some good news now, since half an hour ago, I´ve been to my typical medical check out at my doctor for weighting (at my worst stage I had to go there weekly, but now always in two or three weeks intervals), and my weight has raised! And the most stunning thing for me is, that I actually honestly like it :) Don´t ask me why, but at the moment I can deal with that weight gain in general surprisingly good. I think this has something to do with the fact that I absolutely love it, when other people are happy with me, too. And every time my weight increased a little bit, for example my family, friends,.... are sharing their emotions with me and this makes me feel so proud and pushes me. Because I also know that feeling and the consequences, when the weight goes down, very well... Every day then is horrible, and all the marvelous mood is gone.. :( I hate that! Never back to that again!
Hahaaa and what I also want to mention now is that I feel absolutely in some strange way amused, that I´ve just managed to eat a typical German "Brotzeit" :) which means a "Wurstsalat mit Brezel" :) (don´t know if you know it, but it´s like you can see in the picture) just to laugh about it in some crazy style :D
Oh and yes I want to thank all of you who read my blog, it is an amazing feeling to be not alone and knowing someone cares! :) 
xxx